A Farewell Post

My baby, of 16 years, died today.

I ended her life today. 

It was the most difficult decision I ever had to make in my life. 

I feel so sad and angry. I can't believe she's gone.

I am writing this whilst still crying. 

I ended Lucky's life by euthanasia. 

Euthanasia is mercy killing. It is an act of painlessly putting to death someone suffering from pain of incurable disease or disorder.

Lucky was diagnosed with breast cancer since she was 10 or 11 years old. The vet found lumps on her belly and said it is important to remove them by surgery, otherwise it may grow and make it difficult for her to breathe... But for the surgery he has to put her under general anesthesia and because of her age, there is a chance she won't wake up after. I remember that day I went home with tears. I cried so much because of the situation and then my dad suggested to leave her alone and not do anything to her. "Let nature do it's job and don't interfere." And that's what I did. 

Lucky lived all those years with the lumps she had, which during the past two years started to grow untill it was noticable out of her body. Still it didn't look it bothered her and she was acting all normal and happy. She eats well, barks, runs and everything. 

During the past couple years I only noticed her teeth were'nt strong like before and she swollows the food without chewing. But it was fine, it wasn't something to worry about. 

Today morning, I saw blood on her stomach and the hairs on the sides. I was shocked and scared! I thought maybe something bit her or maybe it is something that has to do with her lumps that maybe explode out of her body?? I felt it is the end. I ran to my husband and told him I think that's it, Lucky, there is so much blood on her and she's licking it.....It is the end. 

I was depressed and scared. I didn't want to take her to the vet. Because I knew he is going to suggest euthanasia. I knew there is nothing that he can do in her situation. She is 16 years old!

It took me half the day to think about it and finally make the decision to take her to the vet. We cleaned her and took her in her bed to the vet.

When I took the decision to take her to the vet I was complete and ready for anything, even for euthanasia, or that's what I thought.

When the vet looked at her wound he said there are two options: first, is a surgery to stitch the wound but there might not be enough skin on her belly to do that and also we will have to put her under anesthesia and that might not be good for her at her age...she will not wake up after. Option two, is to euthanize her. My husband asked how is it done? and the vet explained that first he will give her a shot of sedative and then a shot of anesthesia and then the euthanasia drug. The drug will stop her breath and then will shut down her heart and brain.

As I heard those words I couldn't hold myself any longer and burst into tears in front of the vet and went outside. It was too hard to hear this. I can't imagine I'm making a decision to kill my love!! She is fine and I don't see her suffering. It was crazy complicated situation to me. 

I came back inside after my husband calmed me down, I told the vet that this is too harsh and she is not suffering. He said that even if she isn't showing, she has to be in pain. She has an open wound. She has lumps in her body. He said well if you don't want to call it that way, let's agree that she isn't happy, or isn't the happiest dog. 

I searched for alternatives, and couldn't find any. He said maybe I can give her pain killers, but the lump will keep on growing and she will still have an open wound and the other lumps in her that are still growing might also stick outside her body and she might have another wound. He said I could keep her for approximately another week.... 

But another week is the same for me, if it's gonna happen anyway. There will be no difference if it's today or another week and maybe I will be really making her suffer. So I decided that it's gonna happen today.

I wasn't ready to say goodbye to her and I don't think I ever will be. I want her to saty forever with me. We've been through so much together and she's so cute and good. She was with me in during every situation and important decision I made in my life and I took her everywhere I went and lived. I love her so much. 

After the conversation with the vet, I went outside and cried so much. My husband brought her to me outside on the bench to talk to her and say goodbye to her. I looked at her and caressed her with so much tears. 

Pigeons and birds were flying around us and pecking for food at the ground. This scene made me reminisce about all the times when Lucky used to see pigeons and run towards them with happeness and bark and play with them. I imagined her doing so and then realized it's not going to happen anymore. They were her best friends. 

Did they come to participate in the farewell party? 

I dont remember I ever cried that much. Which is weird because I thought I prepared myself and already took the decision before we came to the vet. I couldn't let her go. She was so cute and calm with me while caressing her. I couldn't stop thinking if it's really the right decision or not since she is so calm and doesn't seem to be in pain and so maybe letting her die on her own is better. 

Letting her die on her own in her situation would really mean that I'm going to let her suffer to death and I don't want that.

So not much of a choice I had. We are doing this. Goodbye my best friend. Goodbye Lucky :(

I gave her to my husband and waited outside. 

After the procedure was done, I saw her. She looked peacefully sleeping. I asked several times if they are sure she's dead because she looks sleeping. She looked good. 

We took her to the mountain next to our home for the burial. We burried her in a very nice place with a beautiful view on top of the mountain. 

We plan to visit her next week. 

after we were done and back home at my mother in law, at night, I went outside by myself and started crying again. Can't believe I lost Lucky. 

I cried a lot and then there was a dog with a collar on his neck that saw me and came up to the fence and stared at me. He was a light brown colored dog, a little big, with curved tail, just like Lucky had. The dog looked at me and didn't move. I approached to him and carassed him on his head (I never touch dogs I don't know). It was a weird moment, it never happened before. I guess the dog saw me sad and wanted to keep me company or is it the spirit of Lucky? He reminded me of her. Everything reminded me of her. 

I looked at some stairs that were on the side of the road and I reminisced again about the times I used to walk lucky and sit like that on stairs with her... I saw us sitting on those stairs and remembered how good those times were and then realized it is not gonna happen again. 

Every little thing reminds me of her now.

I'm going to miss you so much... my dear Lucky.